We had a big outburst today. A lady with a toddler parked herself right outside my bedroom window. The toddler was loud. I wasn't in the room and Bailey decided to put her paws on the window shelf to see outside. I think the sight of a toddler and a stroller and a lady and the loud screeching was too much for her to handle. I was in the kitchen cooking and I heard the loudest barking outburst ever. It was so sudden and so loud that I KNEW she was looking out the window. Even though I designed my entire bedroom in a way that she can't do that, she still found a way. The toddler was too loud and she had to make sure we were safe, I think, only to find that we "weren't."
Upon hearing the outburst, my first emotion was anger. I was pissed. Why THE FUCK is she looking out the window? Why isn't she sleeping in her bed? I call "Bailey go lie down!" and nothing happens. The barking keeps going on. Frustrated and angry and super annoyed I put the soup off the stove and go to my room.
I open the doors and I see her glued to the window barking so hard she's shaking. The hair was raised from the top of her head down to her tail. I call her name. Twice. She doesn't even hear me. I walk to the window and pick her up. She's surprised and looks up at me with the biggest eyes I've ever seen. In that moment all of my anger evaporates and I can't believe I ever could have felt that. She was so afraid - and incredibly relieved when she saw me.
I say "It's okay. Mom is here. It's okay."
She stops barking as soon as I pick her up. I hold her until she starts breathing normally again. I take her to the bed, away from the window and I try not to cry. She lies down and looks at me with these eyes. Like she knows. She knows it was a lot, she knows I'm trying to keep it together, she knows I don't always know what to do, she knows I would fight the whole universe to make her feel safe. She lies completely still and I snap this picture. She is tired and shaken and I want to remember this moment in case I ever get annoyed with her fear again.
I say "I'm sorry bug."
I'm sorry the world feels so scary for her. I'm sorry that I sometimes feel anger and annoyance. I'm sorry that her first interaction with this planet was so bad it has left a mark on her forever. I'm sorry that some days, all I can do is love her. Nothing more - nothing less. <3